Children and Parents in Dialogue: Autonomy as a Shared Pathway to Development and Resilience

Cultivating autonomy in children strengthens their self-esteem, responsibility, decision-making skills, and their ability to overcome difficulties, while providing parents with a framework of safe and meaningful collaboration with their children.

The development of autonomy in children is a process that benefits both the child and the parents. Through the opportunity to make decisions, to experiment, and to learn from mistakes, children acquire responsibility, self-esteem, and everyday life management skills (Deci & Ryan, 2000; Grolnick & Ryan, 1989). At the same time, parents benefit by seeing their children grow up independent and confident, reducing the need for constant intervention and conflict (Kohn, 2005).

Why autonomy benefits both children and parents

  • Development of responsibility: When the child undertakes small tasks at home or makes decisions about their daily routine, they learn to recognize the consequences of their actions (Grolnick & Ryan, 1989).
  • Enhancement of self-esteem: The ability to make decisions and achieve goals, even small ones, reinforces the child’s sense of self-worth (Deci & Ryan, 2000).
  • Improved communication and empathy: When parents listen to the child and explain the reasons behind rules, the child feels safe and better understands social interactions (Thompson, 2014; Smetana, 2011).
  • Reduced conflict: Autonomy allows the child to participate in decision-making, decreasing the sense that parents constantly impose rules (Kohn, 2005).

Strategies to cultivate autonomy

  1. Offer choices from an early age:
    Provide two or three suitable options and let the child choose, e.g., what to wear or which toy to play with. As they grow, they can participate in more complex decisions, such as choosing an extracurricular activity or managing their own time (Deci & Ryan, 2000).
  2. Allow mistakes and learning through them:
    When it does not involve safety, health, or hygiene issues, avoid immediate intervention. Discuss the consequences with the child: “What happened when you didn’t do this? What could you do differently?” This approach strengthens problem-solving skills and the ability to understand cause and effect (Grolnick & Ryan, 1989).
  3. Set clear boundaries with consistency and respect:
    Boundaries are not punishment but a framework of safety. A consistent structure allows the child to make choices within it and to understand the consequences of their actions (Smetana, 2011). Example: “Bedtime is at 9. Would you like us to read a story first or listen to some music?”
  4. Encourage responsibility:
    Assign small tasks, such as making the bed or tidying up their room, and promote self-care skills, e.g., dressing themselves or preparing a snack (Grolnick & Ryan, 1989; Kohn, 2005).
  5. Cultivate communication and empathy:
    Listen to all of the child’s thoughts and concerns, give them space to express what they want, and explain the “why” behind rules so that they feel safe and understood (Thompson, 2014).
  6. Prepare the child for transitions:
    Encourage independence in new situations, such as time management and school responsibilities, and talk about upcoming changes, e.g., adolescence or a new school grade (Smetana, 2011).
  7. Strengthen self-esteem:
    Praise the effort, not only the outcome, and help the child set small goals and enjoy their achievements (Deci & Ryan, 2000; Kohn, 2005).

Autonomy, therefore, is not only a step toward independence but also a tool for building healthier parent–child relationships, grounded in trust, responsibility, and mutual understanding.

References

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.

Grolnick, W. S., & Ryan, R. M. (1989). Parent styles associated with children's self-regulation and competence in school. Journal of Educational Psychology, 81(2), 143–154.

Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. Atria Books.

Smetana, J. G. (2011). Adolescents, families, and social development: How teens construct their worlds. Wiley-Blackwell.

Thompson, R. A. (2014). Socialization of emotion and emotion regulation in the family. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of emotion regulation (2nd ed., pp. 173–187). Guilford Press.